Soapy Showbiz Fun: ‘Hollywood Wives’ 1985

 

Jackie Collins' "Hollywood Wives" was a mini-series hit for ABC in 1985.

Hollywood Wives was Jackie Collins’ most popular novel, of the many that she churned out for decades. With Dynasty then riding high on TV with Jackie’s sister Joan, producer Aaron Spelling snapped up the bestseller for a 1985 ABC mini-series. Like the book, Wives got bad reviews but was a big ratings hit.

I recall reading an interview with Jackie Collins, claiming that her showbiz stories were more authentic because she was part of the Hollywood scene, as opposed to outsider writers looking in. Maybe, but Jackie’s books were still one-dimensional, with little credibility. I love a good trashy read about the rich and famous and Jackie Susann’s Valley of the Dolls set the dirty suds standard. Hollywood columnist Joyce Haber’s The Users, which Collins pilfered the main plot for her Hollywood Wives, was much more realistic and sleazy. Dominick Dunne wrote page-turners that were much more juicy and authentic.

Did the costumes of "Hollywood Wives" get mixed up with those of "Golden Girls?"

A big reason for watching Hollywood Wives was the clothes. At his peak, designer Nolan Miller was hailed as an arbiter of old-time Hollywood glamour. When Dynasty came along, he and Joan Collins had a field day with increasingly over the top costumes. It set the style dial of the ‘80s, which was “Glitz is good.” Well, none of that has aged well. Miller’s glam outfits from that era look more drag queen than the real diva deal. Miller’s strong suit was dressing aging icons simply, like Barbara Stanwyck and Elizabeth Taylor, rather than his gaudy soap stars. Nearly all the power-dressing outfits of Hollywood Wives are laughably ugly: Shoulder pads galore, tassels and beads, oversized tops and gaudy sequined gowns, and so much more, more, more. As for the hair styles, it’s amusing to guess which star, male and female, are wearing their own hair, or sporting a wig, weave, or rug!

Nolan Miller's gown for "Hollywood Wives" seems inspired by a NYC taxi seat cover!

Laura Branigan’s convulsive wailing tries to bring pathos to the on the nose lyrics of the Hollywood Wives theme. Warning: If you listen, you’ll have this Tinseltown tune in your head for days! A mix of a cautionary tale (the pitfalls of Hollywood!) and fairytale (young newcomers get makeovers and movie offers by pure chance), all of it highly unbelievable. The villains are crass and cartoonish: the self-promoting producer, the high-class pimp, the scheming star, and the sleazy bottom feeders.

Here's the ear worm theme song from Hollywood Wives! Have a hair brush handy so you can sing along!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toZEvmbevw4

***As few spoilers as possible ahead***

I will say this: though some cast members are miscast or their talents were modest, everyone tries their best. The bad writing keeps the story from being a real show biz expose. That said, Hollywood Wives is trashy fun on a soap opera level.

Robert Stack gets the '80s glam look as George Lancaster in "Hollywood Wives."

Robert Stack plays revered icon George Lancaster, a star who’s considering a coming out of retirement for a hot property, Final Reunion. At least they didn't name him Kirk Lancaster! And Steve Forrest plays a former movie idol desperate for a comeback—sorry, a return—Ross Conti. It's typical of this type of mini-series that B actors turned TV stars are cast as legendary movie stars. Robert Stack is a Kirk/Burt type of actor, Steve Forrest is a Tony Curtis type heart throb whose career is suffering from hardening of the arteries.

Steve Forrest and Robert Stack admire each other's "work" in "Hollywood Wives."

Stack was always a stiff actor and here, Bob is given the ‘80s makeover, with fluffy, highlighted hair, and face-lifted mug full of makeup. He reminds me a Madame Tussaud wax figure, with his booming voice adding to the disembodied effect. Forrest has more fun as the aging matinee idol seeking assurance from everyone, and the only self-reflection he seeks comes from his mirror. Steve Forrest is five years past his hunky “Uncle Greg” in Mommie Dearest and still looks pretty good, though he looks like he’s had work done along the way.

Steve Forrest is amusing as aging movie hunk Ross Conti in "Hollywood Wives."

Candice Bergen as Elaine Conti, in gowns that look like coverups, "Hollywood Wives."

Candice Bergen is sympathetic but miscast as Elaine Conti, longsuffering wife of aging star Ross Conti. Bergen is gorgeous at 38, smart, sexy, loving, etc. Why would her wife put up with a 60 year old man-baby like Forrest's Ross? Also, Bergen’s Elaine should probably be Ross' second, younger wife, but she's made to act like the typical Hollywood first wife. Bergen, still looking model trim and beautiful, is stuck wearing some baggy, bulky monstrosities. And what's with that mullet in the first party scene? In casual wear, Candy looks stunning and subtle, hardly the desperate Hollywood housewife.

Candice Bergen looks like her gorgeous younger self in more casual moments
of 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

Frances Bergen, Candice's equally gorgeous mom, as Pamela Lancaster.

Frances Bergen plays Pamela, George Lancaster's new wife. One look at ageless beauty Frances and you’ll know where Candice got her damned classy good looks and hair!

Mary Crosby is a willful Hollywood daughter in 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

Mary Crosby as Karen Lancaster, the bad girl who’s really good deep down, was quite good at playing sultry vixens. Crosby’s Karen and Stack’s star have one of the most icky daughter-father confrontations ever, but hey, it works for them! Also unfortunate are Crosby and Suzanne Somers as the show’s femme fatales, who are over-dressed, over-tressed, and over-tarted up.

Suzanne Somers is fictional movie sex symbol Gina Germaine, interviewed by
Mary Hart of "Entertainment Tonight," in 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

Suzanne Somers is Gina Germaine, "the most beautiful, sensuous sex symbol in the United States today," proclaims Entertainment Tonight interviewer Mary Hart. Even in 1985, that wasn’t true! Somers is a latter day Monroe blonde bombshell, who wants to be taken seriously, with her eye on a role in Final Reunion. Somers’ response to Hart seems like a sly dig at Three's Company: "Sex symbols are for television series."

Anthony Hopkins is director Neil Gray, whose sobriety and fidelity fails him
under pressure, in 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

"When you have no taste, you can do anything," uttered by Anthony Hopkins, his explanation for slumming here? Hopkins plays Neil Gray, the uncompromising director of Final Reunion, until Somers’ Gina gets him in some compromising positions!

Stephanie Powers as Montana Gray, screenwriter with integrity, but still glam,
in 1985's ABC mini-series "Hollywood Wives."

Stephanie Powers is screenwriter Montana Gray, Neil’s wife. Oh, and the writer for Final Reunion. Though her character sneers at Hollywood ways, whose name sounds like a cowboy star, yet Montana looks like a typical Hollywood diva. Despite the artifice, Powers plays with her usual no-nonsense style and doesn’t let the “Big ‘80s” look take over her own fashion style.

Joanna Cassidy as Marilee Gray, member of the first wives club in 1985's "Hollywood
 Wives." Cassidy's a redhead so she gets the shamrock green gown and Bergen rocks
a blue breast plate. Candice also sports a Joe Dirt mullet here!

Joanna Cassidy is Marilee Gray, an ex-Hollywood wife of director Neil. She’s smart, pragmatic, and has great taste in boy toys. Cassidy looks lovely here and feels the most authentic of the bunch in Hollywood Wives.

Rod Steiger, who never met a rug he didn't like, plays Oliver Easterne, blowhard
 movie producer, from 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

Rod Steiger overplays the self-aggrandizing movie producer, Oliver Easterne—surprised? Oliver gleefully uses Final Reunion as the proverbial carrot to dangle in front of all interested parties. Steiger’s character is humorously crass and he brays his lines, like the male Shelley Winters he is!

Angie Dickinson is no-nonsense talent agent Sadie LaSalle in "Hollywood Wives."

Angie Dickinson is Sadie LaSalle, the tough, top talent agent who holds a grudge against Ross Conti, when he burned her decades ago. Though Angie is stuck in similar potato sack costumes as Candice Bergen, her hair and makeup are far simpler than her tawdry Police Woman days. She looks lovely here at 54.

Roddy McDowall multi-tasks as an interior decorator and pimp, Jason Swandle,
in 1985's ABC mini-series, "Hollywood Wives."

Roddy McDowall plays interior decorator AND pimp Jason Swandle, finding young men for lonely ladies. Roddy plays him in his usual hammy way. The facial tics and vacillating between creepy charm and passive/aggressive threats made me wonder: Did Roddy and Anthony Perkins ever star in a movie together?

Andrew Stevens as Buddy Hudson, getting the Sadie LaSalle build-up in 1985's
ABC mini-series, "Hollywood Wives."

Andrew Stevens is Buddy Hudson, an aspiring actor, once a male prostitute. Stevens is square-jawed and plays the soap opera scenes with surface skill. But when his character wishes to be taken seriously, it’s an eye roll. Andrew Stevens is cute as button and a square-jawed Ken Doll, but not the next Al Pacino, as Buddy is described! Yes, he too hopes to get his big break in Final Reunion. Catherine Mary Stewart as Angel Hudson was a fairly icky ‘80s ingénue but she fits right in Hollywood Wives. She has the good luck to be discovered at the beach by creeper producer Oliver Easterne, who thinks she’d be perfect for Nicki in Final Reunion.

Catherine Mary Stewart plays naive Angel Hudson in 1985's "Hollywood Wives."

From the other side of the showbiz lens is Deke, at home watching a Hollywood gala on TV with most of these characters. He is also going berserk since he has found out that he was given up for adoption from some showbiz bigwig. Apparently a problem child, Deke turns into Mr. Hyde toward his sugary sweet adoptive parents. Deke, as the bad apple twin, is bizarrely played by Andrew Stevens. Why is he nuts? Why does he look like Lon Chaney's The Wolfman? Why does he limp? Why does he talk in a gravelly New York City accent? Why is his skin chalky white, with brown smudges? Since this is Hollywood Wives, why ask why?! Aside from knowing that he was adopted, Deke didn’t get Buddy Hudson’s blue eyes, better hair, and charming personality.

Andrew Stevens also plays (awfully) Deke, Buddy Hudson's secret twin in
1985's "Hollywood Wives." Is Lon Chaney, Jr. deranged Deke's secret father?

Though Deke wreaks havoc along the way to Hollywood to take revenge, the inept scenes with this psycho and victims are unintentionally hilarious. The worst is the first, with his adopted parents, who get the most fake beat downs and stabbing deaths ever.

I’m not even going to try to explain the convoluted plot of Hollywood Wives, except that it leaves no showbiz cliché unchecked! Basically, just about everyone involved, directly or indirectly, wants a piece of Final Reunion. Naturally, there is no synopsis given for this brilliant story—not from the writer of Hollywood Wives! The fun is watching the lengths the characters will go to get a role, for themselves or a spouse. There are even more male bimbos in this movie than women, which reflects its intended audience, women and gays. The pool boy, the tennis player, the waiters, etc.—choose your flavor!

Candice Bergen's Elaine may be the only one of "Hollywood Wives" who's so easily satisfied by an ungrateful husband with flowers! With Steven Forrest as Ross.

Most of my favorite moments happen to be the most ludicrous. Deranged Deke hitching to Hollywood, Rod Steiger’s inappropriate producer, and especially Gina Germaine’s scheming to get a coveted movie role.

"Jane Fonda got serious, why can't I?" Was Suzanne Somers writing her own dialogue as Gina Germaine? Gina wants the role of young ingénue Nicki in Final Reunion. Suzanne’s tawdry bombshell hardly fits the part. Somers sports a shit ton of makeup and the most platinum, unruly perm I’ve seen since Connie Stevens ‘70s Brillo shag! One unkind but accurate critic commented that Suzanne in Hollywood Wives looks like Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner!

You can tell Suzanne Somers is the vixen in 1985's "Hollywood Wives," because
she's seductively brushing her locks as Gina Germaine plots and schemes!

I never thought Suzanne Somers was a beauty, but her mobile features, capped with big, childlike blue eyes, reminded me a bit of Goldie Hawn. Even their voices are similar. Suzanne plays the scheming star in a likable fashion. Gina Germaine is a vision in yellow terrycloth as she lies in wait down Palm Beach way, where director Neil Gray is there for talks with George Lancaster about Final Reunion. Gina is willing to roll in the hotel hay for a role in this “serious” film. Neil has had two beautiful wives, but finds mop-topped Suzanne irresistible. Soon, stocky, dour Anthony Hopkins is making hot jungle love to Somers’ Gina. It gets better when they happen to be on the same flight home and she initiates him into the mile high club—by the coffee machines—guess the restrooms were busy! Googly-eyed Suzanne and owlish Anthony make a comic couple!

Stephanie Powers as Montana Gray, at hubby Neil's funeral, in "Hollywood Wives."
 This must have cut close to the bone for Powers, who had just lost
long-time companion William Holden three years prior.

And the guessing game of who are the natural parents of Deke (and Buddy) comes to a ludicrous finale. Though no attention is given to the trail of bodies that Deke has left across the USA, it made me think of a later real life celebrity-obsessed psychotic, Andrew Cunanan, who capped his killing spree with shooting Gianni Versace on his doorstep.

I’m surprised nobody has remade Hollywood Wives, since the showbiz game hasn’t changed a bit. The stakes are just higher and the class level of today’s participants even lower. Let’s just enjoy the soapy, sleazy ‘80s Hollywood Wives!

Steve Forrest as Ross Conti, getting the Sadie LaSalle build-up before he gave her
the brush-off, in 1985's "Hollywood Wives."